By ÜBERASIAN
Blast San Francisco Bureau

Dear UberAsian: What phone grants me ultimate Asian status? That new tiny Ericsson or the StarTac from Motorola? I've noticed the StarTac is very affordable now and have seen it as low as $200. I still have an old Motorola 550 flip phone, can I get by with that?
-- Akira in San Francisco.

UberAsian has not received a demo of the new Ericsson yet but has been impressed with the StarTac since its introduction. You should be aware that there are several versions of the StarTac around. The bottom-end model has only one display line and the top model has two lines and the built in 'answering machine' chip. To be the ultimate Asian, I would recommend that you get the top of the line StarTac with the holster so you can wear it on your belt for all to see.

I'm sorry you didn't receive the Asian bulletin in the mail. You probably didn't update your address when shopping at 99 Ranch Market. Here's the info from the 1995 bulletin: "My Asian brothers (and sisters), due to lower production costs and a break through in cellular phone technology, Motorola 550 Flip Phones have become as classy as a pair of fuzzy dice hanging from the rear-view mirror. Every chump has one. Please see your nearest cellular phone shop about an upgrade."

UberAsian recommends that you only use the Motorola 550 when there are no witnesses to clown you. If you have the thick battery option, it's about as impressive as whipping out an old WWII Army radio. Use it for emergencies, but that's about it.

UPDATE: PCS technology in the San Francisco Bay Area. UberAsian once recommended PCS technology over cellular because of the rate plans. That's all changed. Pacific Bell has jacked up their prices to an unreasonable amount. To get 300 minutes of airtime (no peak or off-peak worries), it'll cost you $99. For $50 all you get now is 100 minutes airtime. I know some brothers and sisters that have a hard time staying under 300 minutes a month, 100 just won't work. At the same time, Cellular One and GTE are offering plans similar to what Pac Bell once offered. For about $45 you can get 300 minutes peak/off-peak, plus 500 minutes on the weekends. For those out there still clinging to the unlimited digital plans, it may be time to change. Analyze your usage patterns closely.

Dear UberAsian: I'm an Asian male and I don't have a gun. Is there something wrong with me? Why should I get a gun? Is it some power or penis thing or what?
-- Mixmaster in Columbus, Ohio.

The problem may orginate from where you were born. Almost all Asian males are issued guns at birth. Is there something wrong with you? Well, yes. You may be in favor of gun control, but as an Asian male, you should still have guns. Please note, it's not gun, it's guns.

There may be historical reasons why Asians own guns. There has been war and oppression in nearly all our lands. Our ancestors knew tyranny. More realistically, Asians tend to be more cynical and distrustful of the system. We know where we stand in the racial pecking order of this democracy.

Asian shop owners in Beverly Hills had to defend themselves against looters during the 1992 Zsa Zsa Gabor Riots. After a multicultural, straight/gay/lesbian, multi-class jury convicted Zsa Zsa Gabor of assaulting a police officer during a traffic stop, the residents of Beverly Hills went wild. They burned their own Mercedes-Benz S-class sedans, broke out windows in trendy California cuisine restaurants and tore up the greens at the golf course. When the looters reached Rodeo Drive, LAPD watched helplessly as they destroyed trendy store after trendy store. The only stores that weren't burned down were those who took up arms. Although Asian shop owners were only a few of those to arm themselves (One white Coach shop keeper ordered employees to openly fire into the rampaging crowds), the news media continually showed footage of Asians on top of their buildings with assault weapons.

One person caught in the middle of it all was Joe Chan. A UCLA biology student, Chan was making deliveries for his parent's Chinese restaurant in Beverly Hills when he found himself at the flash point for the riots. Chan was driving along Mulholland Drive when he found himself suddenly surrounded by an angry crowd. Chan didn't know what to do as the crowd started rocking his Honda Civic. It wasn't until someone broke out a rear window and ripped the Futaba antenna off his roof that he acted. Chan, a John Woo fan for many years, broke out two nine millimeters and started busting caps. Chan got out of there alive, but someone broke out his European-style side marker light and put a dent in the hood.