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Blast Los Angeles Bureau

The Tamagotchi descended into North America on May 1st, using FAO Schwartz -- the toy store of THE MAN -- as their launch pad. After winning over the rich and powerful, their next step was to flood the stores of the masses -- Toys 'R' Us, Kay-Bee Toys and Wal-Mart. They've been in short supply since their invasion. Scores of children have been sucked into the vortex of responsibility, children who otherwise would never clean their rooms, do their chores and go to school on a regular basis. Yet these electronic animals have a strange hold over our young, and quite a few adults, for that matter. What mesmerizing quality do they have?

Owning a Tamagotchi is similar to owning a cat or dog -- you have to feed and play with it regularly, clean up after it poops, give it a shot when it's ill. The Tamagotchi have distinct personalities, ranging from happy, long-living creatures to selfish little bastards. Bandai, the purported "toy" company who was responsible for introducing the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers to this country, calls the Tamagotchi "adorable virtual reality pets." However, this is no mere toy or fad. The innocuous eggs are hatching a conspiracy on the scale of Roswell.

In its website, Bandai freely admits that the Tamagotchi "hatch from tiny eggs after traveling millions of lightyears through cyberspace" and claims that "there have been unsubstantiated reports of Tamagotchi sightings over Hawaii." This sounds like the so-called witty text of marketing strategy but it's obvious that it spells ALIEN INVASION. What an insidious plot: aliens living inside a small electronic device who can always come back to life just by pressing a button.

In the following graphic, note the similarities between the Tamagotchi "secret character" and the portrait of John F. Kennedy.

Since his alleged assassination, there have been rumors that he is alive and well. Now, isn't it plausible that aliens abducted his body, used their technology to bring him back to life, then elected him as their leader? If he were their leader, then we can breathe a bit easier, as he must harbor some affection for his old world. Then again, we don't know what kind of brainwashing must have gone on.

Children and adults alike are besotted with the "toys." The aliens are working hard to occupy the masses in order to ready their attack. While people are worrying about their Tamagotchi, the spaceships will come. Even the Men In Black, our last line of defense, will be too busy caring for them to protect us. My advice is, run far, far away from the Tamagotchi. They may be cute, but they walk hand-in-hand with Death.