Blast San Francisco Bureau
Dear ÜberAsian: I just started reading your column recently, and I find
it very interesting, however, all these tips are for middle-aged Asians.
What about young college-age Asians like me? I will be a freshman at
Georgetown in a couple of days (sorry, couldn't get into Columbia where
there is a 24 percent Asian minority) are there any tips on how to
achieve super Asian status on campus? Especially for the East Coast
Asians because we're different over here. Just compare the two
Chinatowns. I think myself and other young Asians would appreciate your
ÜberAsian understands the concern. There are ages between the
generations. Your generation prefers fixing up old Honda CRXs while mine
prefers just buying a brand new Acura Type-R. Although many stereotype
college students as perennially poor pizza-eating souls, an Asian
student is doubly impacted by his or her technical requirements. An
Asian must have a wireless phone. An Asian must have a pager. An Asian
must have a Honda, Acura or Toyota or European car not of French or
English design. An Asian must wear DKNY or such designer clothes. How
does an Asian maintain Super Asian status, pay for the new car and the
wireless phone bill? Jobs. Good paying jobs. That's why Asians have to
have good paying jobs.
I'm sorry I have to ask this. I'm a 19-year-old white guy at UC
Berkeley, and I notice all my white friends get really nervous when they
have a class with a lot of Asians. Some of them even drop classes
because they believe having a lot of Asians in a class raises the curve.
I don't want to generalize, but I have noticed many of my Asian friends
have excellent GPAs as well. I'd like to know what gives Asians such an
edge in test taking. Is it the low-fat diet? Some special studying
technique? Please help me.
There's an easy answer for this Steve. It's in the name. Have you ever
noticed that Asians generally have pretty short names? Lee, Lai, Pak,
Park, Tran, etc. By the time you've bubbled in the R in
W-A-J-O-H-A-R-S-K-Y with your No. 2 pencil, an Asian is already on
problem 15. It's simply an evolutionary problem.
Reader Albert adds his advice for cleaning up years of grease build up
from cooking, presumably Asian:
I recently had the pleasure of cleaning several years of grease from a
friend's kitchen. On surfaces that can take it, non-aluminum, good ol'
fashioned Easy Off oven cleaner works well. For other surfaces, Clorox
Cleaner with bleach is the best I've found so far. Engine cleaner didn't
seem to make dent in that semi-dried, gummy kind of grease. I've heard
of a product that you can apply to greasy surfaces which turns the
grease into a rubbery plastic which you can then peel off, but I haven't
found it yet. Happy cleaning.
But can it handle heavy-duty chow fun grease? Give it a try and let
ÜberAsian know of your results.
I was wondering what your attitude is toward gays and lesbians. I am
straight and my position is one of acceptance and tolerance. I am
currently trying to convince my parents that gays and lesbians are no
different than us. Any tips?
-- V. Chen, Minneapolis
ÜberAsian practices and preaches tolerance and respect for those who are
different from us. This of course would include gays and lesbians but
excludes Asians who drive big ugly domestic cars and Saturns. Convincing
your parents is a tough proposition, however. Older folks in general can
have somewhat narrow views of human sexuality. But what do you expect
from Asians who rarely express any signs that they are anatomically
correct around their children. What's the best argument to use with your
parents? Real estate.
Let's face it, most Asians own real estate. When the value increases, the luck of the gods is with you. What really increases the value of a
neighborhood? R-3 light zoning? A park? Wrong. Gays and lesbians. What
neighborhoods have incredible resale value and tend to be the safest?
Gay and lesbian neighborhoods. If your parents are interested in
increasing the value of their property they should hang one of those
rainbow flags out front and convince their friends too. There's a pot of
gold somewhere over the rainbow.
ÜberAsian had a problem with his e-mail account and lost letters from
several faithful readers. If you had a burning question about attaining
ÜberAsian status, please resend it.