E-mail the author or send us feedback.

Blast @ is an online magazine presented by Exploding Can Productions, a digital media and Internet company.

Copyright © 1995-1998 Exploding Can Productions. All Rights Reserved. No part of this Web site may be used without permission.

To report any problems or if you have any questions, please write to or For advertising, please contact

home | about blast | who we are | editors' note | feedback | sitemap | press | user feedback | links

By ÜberAsian
Blast San Francisco Bureau

Dear ÜberAsian: I just started reading your column recently, and I find it very interesting, however, all these tips are for middle-aged Asians. What about young college-age Asians like me? I will be a freshman at Georgetown in a couple of days (sorry, couldn't get into Columbia where there is a 24 percent Asian minority) are there any tips on how to achieve super Asian status on campus? Especially for the East Coast Asians because we're different over here. Just compare the two Chinatowns. I think myself and other young Asians would appreciate your tips.

--Bordon Lai.

ÜberAsian understands the concern. There are ages between the generations. Your generation prefers fixing up old Honda CRXs while mine prefers just buying a brand new Acura Type-R. Although many stereotype college students as perennially poor pizza-eating souls, an Asian student is doubly impacted by his or her technical requirements. An Asian must have a wireless phone. An Asian must have a pager. An Asian must have a Honda, Acura or Toyota or European car not of French or English design. An Asian must wear DKNY or such designer clothes. How does an Asian maintain Super Asian status, pay for the new car and the wireless phone bill? Jobs. Good paying jobs. That's why Asians have to have good paying jobs.

Dear ÜberAsian:

I'm sorry I have to ask this. I'm a 19-year-old white guy at UC Berkeley, and I notice all my white friends get really nervous when they have a class with a lot of Asians. Some of them even drop classes because they believe having a lot of Asians in a class raises the curve. I don't want to generalize, but I have noticed many of my Asian friends have excellent GPAs as well. I'd like to know what gives Asians such an edge in test taking. Is it the low-fat diet? Some special studying technique? Please help me.

--Steven Wajoharsky

There's an easy answer for this Steve. It's in the name. Have you ever noticed that Asians generally have pretty short names? Lee, Lai, Pak, Park, Tran, etc. By the time you've bubbled in the R in W-A-J-O-H-A-R-S-K-Y with your No. 2 pencil, an Asian is already on problem 15. It's simply an evolutionary problem.

Reader Albert adds his advice for cleaning up years of grease build up from cooking, presumably Asian:

I recently had the pleasure of cleaning several years of grease from a friend's kitchen. On surfaces that can take it, non-aluminum, good ol' fashioned Easy Off oven cleaner works well. For other surfaces, Clorox Cleaner with bleach is the best I've found so far. Engine cleaner didn't seem to make dent in that semi-dried, gummy kind of grease. I've heard of a product that you can apply to greasy surfaces which turns the grease into a rubbery plastic which you can then peel off, but I haven't found it yet. Happy cleaning.

But can it handle heavy-duty chow fun grease? Give it a try and let ÜberAsian know of your results.

Dear ÜberAsian:

I was wondering what your attitude is toward gays and lesbians. I am straight and my position is one of acceptance and tolerance. I am currently trying to convince my parents that gays and lesbians are no different than us. Any tips?

-- V. Chen, Minneapolis

Dear V.

ÜberAsian practices and preaches tolerance and respect for those who are different from us. This of course would include gays and lesbians but excludes Asians who drive big ugly domestic cars and Saturns. Convincing your parents is a tough proposition, however. Older folks in general can have somewhat narrow views of human sexuality. But what do you expect from Asians who rarely express any signs that they are anatomically correct around their children. What's the best argument to use with your parents? Real estate.

Let's face it, most Asians own real estate. When the value increases, the luck of the gods is with you. What really increases the value of a neighborhood? R-3 light zoning? A park? Wrong. Gays and lesbians. What neighborhoods have incredible resale value and tend to be the safest? Gay and lesbian neighborhoods. If your parents are interested in increasing the value of their property they should hang one of those rainbow flags out front and convince their friends too. There's a pot of gold somewhere over the rainbow.

ÜberAsian had a problem with his e-mail account and lost letters from several faithful readers. If you had a burning question about attaining ÜberAsian status, please resend it.