By Johnny Twojobs

The author of the following letter is an average part-time employee of a major corporation, and occasional freelancer for several others, who goes by the name of Johnny Twojobs. That's not his real name, of course, but Johnny's employers might not take kindly to the contents of the following letter. Your employers might not like it, either, but if you do, add your name (or an assumed one), clip the letter out and send it to Congressman Joe. He'll be delighted to hear from you.

Hon. Joseph Kennedy II
Representative, Massachusetts 8th Congressional District
The Schrafft Center, Suite 605
529 Main Street
Charlestown, MA 02129

Dear Congressman Kennedy,

Permit me to assume the mantle of my entire demographic and address you as a spokesperson for the marginal workforce -- that growing constituency of temps, part-timers, and other unfortunates who lack a so-called "real job." Instead, we work shadow jobs for shadow pay, shuffling through the workforce like phantoms, transient, forsaken, and, unless we rattle our chains or let out an eerie moan or two, mostly ignored. I'd say call us the Phantom Workers, but that makes us sound like superheroes instead of the dispirited drones our thankless jobs reduce us to. Call us, rather, the Gray Collar Workforce.

Like many of my Gray Collar colleagues, I'm in increasing danger of losing all hope, sticking my head in the paper shredder, and bequeathing that last $250 paycheck to my next of kin. But my spirits lifted slightly when I heard about your proposed legislation, H.R. 2997, the Fairness in the Workplace Commission Act, which calls for a federally funded commission to investigate the growth of the Gray Collar Workforce and other symptoms of workplace inequality. It's about time you guys in Washington acknowledged that something is mucky in the state of employer-employee relations in this country. And what better agency to stir up the muck and toss in a few Band-Aids than a large, ponderous, taxpayer-funded congressional commission?

I have juggled freelancing with part-time employment. I have been jobbed in and contracted out. I have worked in hospitals without receiving health insurance and run payrolls without getting paid.

I understand that it will be some time before H.R. 2997 actually comes to a vote, and then, if it's passed, quite some time before the commission begins hearing testimony that will unravel the mystery of why businesses that can get away with treating their employees like disposable diapers continue to do so. I hope, therefore, that you won't think it impertinent of me to jump the legislative gun a bit and offer a little testimony about my own experiences in the Gray Collar Workforce.

Like many folks in my twentysomething age group, I have worked as a temp on a semi-permanent basis. I have juggled freelancing with part-time employment. I have been jobbed in and contracted out. I have worked in hospitals without receiving health insurance and run payrolls without getting paid. My labor has been bought and sold in every possible variation on the Gray Collar theme, and in a nutshell, Congressman Kennedy, IT ALL SUCKS.

The American workplace cannot be fixed by a bunch of chin-scratching politicos lined up behind microphones and water pitchers, listening to the testimony of "experts."

Unfortunately, your Fairness in the Workplace Commission, for all the genteel concern it so amply demonstrates, won't change a thing. The American workplace cannot be fixed by a bunch of chin-scratching politicos lined up behind microphones and water pitchers, listening to the testimony of "experts." Unless some of those experts have stood in line with a timesheet recently, they can't have the faintest idea of the real battle that we are waging out here in the trenches of corporate America.

So I do not endorse H.R. 2997, Congressman Kennedy, even though it seems that your heart is in the right place. Instead, I issue you a challenge. Prove to me that you give a damn about us Gray Collars. Take a stand, any stand, against corporate contempt for working folks. I don't care what you do, Joe, just DO SOMETHING! You've got less than six months in office. Your ticket is punched. What have you got to lose?

To further encourage you to take up my challenge, I'm forwarding a copy of this letter along to some friends, and to every print and electronic media outlet I know. I'm asking them to support me in issuing this challenge, co-sign this letter and send it to you again. I hope your office is well-staffed, or if not, that you can afford to hire some temps.

Thank you for your time and best of luck with your imminent return to the private sector. I hear you've got a nice "real job" waiting for you.

Sincerely,

Johnny Twojobs

cc: America

For more information on the Fairness in the Workplace Commission Act, check Kennedy's Web site.. Or, write to Joe again.