By ÜBERASIAN
Blast San Francisco Bureau

Dear ÜberAsian: I have a problem with grease build up on my kitchen air exhaust. I've tried to clean it off with 409, Windex and even steel wool but I just can't get rid of the grease. What is this stuff made of anyway? Where did it come from?
-- S. Ing in Los Angeles

You didn't say where you lived but I'm going to guess your parent's home or a house where Asian people used to live. How do I know? From the layers of grease you're talking about. You know what I mean, layers upon layers of that thick-ass, greasy goop that only builds up from years of Asian cooking. This problem also affects African Americans from the Deep South and Latinos up until the third generation. It doesn't appear to impact white people except those with roots in countries with edible food, which immediately excludes the English.

But how do you clean it off? ÜberAsian has tried sandpaper, institutional Ajax and a chisel, but none of it works and actually makes it look worse.

This may sound crazy but the best solution is to use an automobile engine degreaser such as Foamy Brite or carburetor cleaner. If it can cut through 120,000 miles of leaking engine oil, it's just barely enough to clean off Asian kitchen grease. Make sure you open several windows and extinguish flames on the stove before trying it. You'll still have to rub like hell to get the grease off, but the difference will be stunning. Your parents will be saying "Ai ya, coy leng ah!" in no time.

Dear ÜberAsian: What kind of music does an ultimate Asian listen to? Is it alternative, freestyle, or dance? I listen to Korean dance music. Is that OK or do I need to change?
--Wonderin' Asian in San Francisco

That's a tough question. It's probably more of an age thing. There seem to be three distinct groups: Asians in the 15-25 range listen to the general hip-hop music. You can tell these types of Asians by the big-ass pants they wear. Asians in this age group generally use the word tight and pronounce "right" as "sshhright."

You can also tell who is in this group because they call each other "bitch." In ÜberAsian's day, the only bitch calling was used on or by one of persuasion. Here's some examples of usage outside of this age group: "President Clinton is doing his bitch." "That bitch didn't give me my fries in the drive through line." "Who you callin' a bitch, bitch?" These days it's used more like this: "Pete Wilson is a racist bitch." "Rush Limbaugh is a big fat bitch." "Jesse Helms is a hella old-ass, punk-ass, should-be-dead-in-his-grave bitch."

"The danger here is that a lot of Asians are like a lot of white people and are in dance clubs to hold the walls up."

Here's a word of warning: If you're in this group and listen to dance music, make sure you can dance. If you listen to any music with a danceable beat, people expect you to get down. The danger here is that a lot of Asians are like a lot of white people and are in dance clubs to hold the walls up. Make sure you can dance if you proclaim to listen to this stuff.

"Let's make sure if you're some 'street'-looking dude in a lowered Acura with mean looks for everyone that you don't live in your parent's six-room house in Blackhawk or Beverly Hills, OK?"

The final word, since a majority of the popular culture all young people in America are grooving to nowadays is stolen from African Americans, you should try not to take the "street" thing too far. ÜberAsian also takes great pains not to label all African Americans with the same street-label. But let's make sure if you're some "street"-looking dude in a lowered Acura with mean looks for everyone that you don't live in your parent's six-room house in Blackhawk or Beverly Hills, OK? Then you're just being a bitch.

Asians from 25 to 35 grew up listening to modern rock so they still pine for it. They grumble about how it used to be when the Bay Area's Live 105 was a righteous radio station and how they're forced to listen to Alice now. They say things like: "Man, I don't even listen to the radio now." They're basically whiners now. They whine about how good it was to see the Cure, Chris Isaak and New Order live and when music meant something. They whine about how good DV8 was. They whine about all the kids with lowered Honda Civics. They whine about having to buy Honda Accords now. Bitch, bitch, bitch. That's all they're good for.

"They grumble about how it used to be when the Bay Area's Live 105 was a righteous radio station and how they're forced to listen to Alice now."

Asians from 35 to 45 are the old as hell crowd. You get people in this group jump-started when you spin up an Earth, Wind & Fire album. Then they start dancing with leg motions so stiff, you can see platform shoes still strapped to their feet. They listened to War and Santana, and watched Soul Train. They like to laugh about big-ass bell bottom pants and leisure suits.

Dear ÜberAsian: Everytime there's a sale at Longs Drugs on toilet paper, my parents make me go down with them so they can buy a box of it. What's the deal with that? It's so embarrassing. The last time I was down there I felt so moldy until I looked around. There were two other Asians in line with boxes of toilet paper. Do they know something I don't?
-- Moldy in New York, New York

ÜberAsian used to think this was pretty damned embarrassing too until a real down-home person explained it to him. It's just plain old-fashioned Asian common sense. You see it isn't like a 10-pound box of Oreo cookies that you buy at Costco. You'll never finish the Oreos before they get stale so Nabisco wins. You have to buy more Oreos next time and you really didn't get a good deal. Your ass, on the other hand, is always working and you'll always need something to wipe it with. In the end you win.