By JASON LLOREN
Blast Boob Tube Writer

The wheel, the engine, the PC. Who says these inventions revolutionized society? Screw that. TV rules.

The reason is simple: Where else can you find a whole channel devoted to airing old sitcoms? Where else are you gonna get 24-hour news? An all-weather station?

"It never ceases to amaze me when Hollywood tries to makes a TV series out of a movie, mostly because the result usually falls so short."

Nowhere. Only on the boob tube. That's why I watch -- we all watch -- and can't get enough of it. Here now, a few thoughts on this past season's offerings...

> "Seinfeld" is going off the air and if you haven't already sampled this show about nothing, then you've got nothing to lose. Jerry and the Gang did more than tickled our ribs a few times; it revolutionized (that word again!) the face of the sitcom: multiple plotlines, dense on dialogue, and an absolute disregard for any touchy-feeliness (Imagine "A Very Special 'Seinfeld.'" Good. Now puke.). Viva la Mulva!

> Admit it: Only dorks like "Star Trek." Since the Enterprise first set sail, the only TV show to build a similar cult following is "The X-Files." But instead of just geeks, it's brought together fans of diverse interests: Netheads, conspiracy theorists, New Age followers, extraterrestrial phenomenon scholars and right-wing militia nutsos. Eat that, Kirk.

> "Millennium" is morose and boring.

> It never ceases to amaze me when Hollywood tries to makes a TV series out of a movie, mostly because the result usually falls so short (Remember when "Animal House" was made into an ABC sitcom? Don't bother looking it up; it had a different name).Yeah, sometimes we get lucky and enjoy a few dozen seasons of something great like "M*A*S*H." In fact, I think networks keep trying to adapt the wrong films into series, that's the problem. Why not "GoodFellas" as an hourlong drama? I'd tune in. "Scarface: The Series." I'm there. "The Rock," a UPN action drama about a bunch of mercenaries who hijack Alcatraz every week. Color me Nielsens.

"Jerry Springer. Love him or hate him, who here doesn't like watching one skank bitch-slap another every once in a while?"

> Speaking of TV series spawned from films, check out "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." It's got kung fu, Valley Girls and vampires. And werewolves, demons, serial killers and worse -- high school. Aside from the tongue-in-cheek dialogue and cool special effects, "Buffy" also serves to remind us of the difficulties of adolescence and that growing up indeed is Hell. And Buffy's reeeeeeally cute.

> Jerry Springer. Love him or hate him, who here doesn't like watching one skank bitch-slap another every once in a while? Ricki Lake sucks.

> An open letter to NBC: Sorry you're losing "Seinfeld." Now give "NewsRadio" so decent promo, eh?

It really irks me when shows like "Ally McBeal," "Dawson's Creek" and "NYPD Blue" get way more attention than they deserve ("Seinfeld" excepted), and strong stuff like "Homicide: Life on the Streets" gets overlooked.

> If you're a true TV news junkie, you should be watching "60 Minutes" (so what if Mike Wallace looks like a corpse?), CNN and MSNBC. Of course, none of that matters if you're not watching "The Daily Show" starring Craig Kilborn, a funny-as-hell takeoff on the day's news events.

> Don't have cable? Tough titty.

> Cartman rules. "South Park" is crude and slap-thigh hilarious, but it's also a brilliant and, dare say, honest. Face it: Kids really are cruel and fugged-up lil crackers.

> It really irks me when shows like "Ally McBeal," "Dawson's Creek" and "NYPD Blue" get way more attention than they deserve ("Seinfeld" excepted), and strong stuff like "Homicide: Life on the Streets" gets overlooked. Well, it just ended it sixth season and one of TV's most electrifying characters, detective Frank Pembleton (played by Andre Braugher), has turned in his badge. Shame on you if you've never watched it. Strong acting, brilliant writing, the works. Redeem yourself by watching it next season. Or catch reruns on Lifetime.